


I Loved and Lost

by petitlionhomme



Series: BF Angst Week [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Death, Garden of Light, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 16:27:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17328464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petitlionhomme/pseuds/petitlionhomme
Summary: Eiji knows Death, he knows death is cold but he remembers harshly that death is not cruel.





	I Loved and Lost

_Death_  
/deTH/  
noun  
the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism.

Eiji knew what it was to see someone die, to watch the light flicker out of someone's eyes as they ceased to live, the way they cease to see, their eyes cease to glow and their heart stops beating.

He'd seen it a lot in his time in America. Ash didn't know that he'd forced Jenkins to take him up to the morgue when he'd heard there was a body found at the scene, fear coursing through him. He'd sobbed so loudly when he saw Skip's body, so harshly that he was surprised his throat hadn't given out.

Eiji could still feel the warmth as Shorter's blood spilled onto him, soaked through his clothes and staining his skin. He remembered when he saw the controlled insanity leak from his eyes with his tears and he mouthed slowly, quietly.. _"I'm sorry.."_

Even dying, he apologised. How fucked up was that? Eiji never showed it, but it had made him so cold and shaken up inside, he had meant it when he asked for Shorter, he wanted him back, he wanted Shorter and he _wasn't there._ It was enough to have him stare at the pictures he'd taken of him for hours, and he managed not to cry on them.

Ash had found him like that, curled up with pictures spread out around himself and his camera held tightly to his chest. He'd known the shades that hung from Ash's fingers were not his own, not when he could see the reflection of memories in the glint from the light that streamed in through the cracked window.

"Get undressed.." It was a strange request but Eiji stumbled to his feet, and it was hard to see with eyes so red and puffy but he did as he was asked, and Ash draped the sheet around his shoulders and stared Eiji in his eyes, hard and there was fear there, like he was scared of what he was about to ask.

"Did he touch you?"

"No. He didn't get the chance."

Ash was gentle as he pulled Eiji into his arms and rocked him from side to side before leading him down to the bathroom, where he closed the door and got undressed as well. He was unabashed in it but Eiji kept his eyes on the floor until Ash's feet were in his field of vision and he looked up quickly, eyes wide.

"Let's bathe."

Eiji frowned and looked away, pointedly not looking at him. If he closed his eyes, he could still see the way Dino's men had to drag a sobbing Ash away from Shorter's body, his crying and garbled Cantonese filled his head. He felt hands on his shoulders and he looked up. The shower was running, he didn't know when Ash had turned it on, how had he become so lost in his own head? Ash sighed and laid his head on Eiji's shoulder. "Don't disappear like that.." He whispered softly, pushing the sheet from Eiji's shoulders and pulling him to the shower.

They climbed in together and the water was hot, for it moment, its heat reminded him of blood and he wanted to panic but Ash just pulled him into his arms and held him.

"I know.." He whispered, kissing the top of Eiji's head. "I know."

                  ••••

  
Ash tried to keep Eiji's eyes from ever seeing bloodshed. He tried, but it was no use. He knew he'd lost when Eiji would whimper Shorter's name in his sleep, when he asked Ash how old Skip was and if he had a family. He knew when Eiji collapsed as a bullet tore through his side.

Ash had failed. He'd lost. Eiji, pure and sweet and kind. Eiji had been tainted and he would never forgive himself for that.

                    ••••

"Eiji.. I just identified.. I just.. Identified Ash's body at the morgue.."

Death did not discriminate, it did not care that Ash's cager had just been killed, it simply _took_  and it decided, it decided that Ash needed to be taken.

And so he was.

Eiji remembered the way it felt to sit at Ash's funeral, to see as Alex, Bones, Kong and the rest of his boys sob over his body. To pretend he didn't see Yut-Lung lingering along the edge of the crowd with a look of disbelief on his face, like he wasn't sure it was true. He'd even gathered the courage to come as close as he dared. He did not cry, tears did not glimmer in his eyes, but he did seem to deflate, his face blanked and he frowned.

He spared Eiji one glance, full of anguish and hatred and sadness. Eiji supposed that even he did not believe that Ash Lynx could die.

No one did.

                       ••••

"Death.." Eiji told Sing, holding his camera upside down as he took a picture of the sunset. "Is not an organism ceasing to live," the click of the camera filled the air, subtle but loud. "It's the taking of what is loved."

The teen stared at Eiji with a frown. "Did you love Ash?" He always wondered, always assumed that he did, but after three years had passed and his happiness still seemed gone, he wondered if that love was deeper than he initially thought.

"I loved him more than anything.. Death takes what you love, quick and it feels like a punishment," he looked at Sing and shook his head with a frown. "It's not a punishment. It's not a lesson.. It simply is."


End file.
